“I must dream of the things I am seeking…”
‘I Have Confidence’ – The Sound of Music – Julie Andrews as Maria.
This is a follow up to last week’s post on goal setting. Rather than asking myself ‘What do I want to achieve?’, I’ve been asking ‘How do I want to feel?’. So far, I’m finding this change of mind-set really helpful. I’m finding it easier to break out of the destructive ‘I need to achieve this or I’m a failure’ thought loop…When I take a moment to stop and notice, I remember…’Oh yeah, I don’t want to feel shit…Can I do something to change that?’
I’ve stolen ideas from reading about Danielle Laporte’s “The Desire Map” and translated my lists of goals into a list of desires. For each goal, I asked myself ‘Why do I want to achieve this?’ and ‘How do I want to feel?’. Here is an example:
Goal: To get a paid performing job, ideally in a musical.
Why do I want to achieve this? : I want to perform/I love performing/It’s what I’ve trained to do…
Now the dirty truth…I want to be able to justify my existence/show I’m talented/I want someone else to give me a vote of confidence…yeah, I know, not ideal…I’m basically a puppy that wants someone to love me.
How do I want to feel?: Happy, Creative, Accomplished, Inspired, Valid, Connected, Loved.
So, before this change of mind-set, I might have created an action plan like this:
- Annoy (I mean write polite emails/love letters to) casting directors with links to my showreel etc.
- Talk to my agent about suggesting me for ‘such and such a wonderful musical’ that he probably can’t get me seen for, no matter how hard he tries.
- Cry about how unfair is is that nobody appreciates how talented I am.
Resulting Feelings: Grumpy, fed up, shit, bitter, twisted etc.
OR I could try this:
- Do some freaking singing practice, take a dance class, go to a workshop, learn a monologue, read a play, get together with some fellow performers to do something other than bitch and moan.
- Get on with writing my own cabaret. Create my own work.
- Set myself a time limit for emailing Casting Directors/applying for jobs, so that I still keep my face in the frame for jobs I’m interested in, but it doesn’t suck the joy out of my day.
Resulting feelings: Happy, Creative, Accomplished, Inspired, Valid, Connected, Loved (by myself – that’s probably the most important one).
So, in a big old brainstorming (or, as my mother would call it, naval gazing) session, I went through all my lists of goals and pinpointed the feelings I want to feel…i.e.
What am I really seeking?
As Julie sings, I must dream of the things I am seeking…
I am seeking:
I don’t need courage to find that. It’s all here.